In the 1980s, a rivalry of sorts existed between two factions of Metal; The poseurs and the non poseurs. Poseur Metal was a title given to such groups as Poison, Ratt, Stryper and Winger. The members of these bands were usually pretty boys with makeup, spandex and long, coiffured hair. They often looked like the female mortals that largely made up their followings. Poseur Metal was loudly and proudly played on radio and MTV too.
The non poseur Metal bands were the opposite. They were not overly concerned with MTV or radio, plus no makeup or spandex existed. Instead, it was jeans, t shirts, denim jackets and leather. Metal spikes were commonplace as well. The bands that made up this faction were groups like Anthrax, Metallica, Iron Maiden and of course, Slayer. These guys didn't try to look pretty and the large male following that attended their concerts appreciated it. (as a side note, it must be pointed out that Iron Maiden did, in fact, wear spandex. But it was mostly overlooked because they were so fucking epic)
While I was there, banging my head to both styles of Metal, I was never attracted to either types of guys (except for Kip Winger - what a babe). I didn't like the long hair. Too girly for me. But if I had to choose a guy from either mob, I would have went with the macho, gruff men from the non poseur camp. Had I ever been given the opportunity to blow one of these mortals, I figured I could always close my eyes, should their hair present an erotic obstacle.
With the dawn of the 90's there was a splendid wee wee breakthrough that would allow me to ascertain if some of the non-poseur rockers from the decade prior were spank bank material. Grunge had arrived and with it, Metal bands were suddenly allowed to not only cut their long tresses, but if they so choose, shave their heads bald. This is a good thing because some of the 80's, non-poseurs were going bald anyway. One of these mortal's was Slayer's Kerry King.
Even when Kerry had long hair, I must admit he had a certain, menacing, dude-next-door allure to him. However, when he shaved his head and added the tribal tatoos up his arms, I fell in love. He looked like one of those alluring serial killers in MSNBC lockup. Kerry, as he looks now, would make a wonderful, prison lover.
You could tell from old photos, that Kerry was already thinning on top in the 80's, so him choosing to go bald was a logical and alluring option. Something you might not know is male baldness is caused by something to do with testosterone. The same chemical that deepens men's voices and grows hair on their body, is also the culprit that causes them to ultimately loose it on top. This is why you'll see bald men with hairy backs. It's testosterone. Since Kerry was losing his hair when he was probably in his twenties, there is a good chance he had an excess of testosterone floating around in his cadaver. And since testosterone means more body hair, there is also a very good chance that Kerry is the proud owner of a hairy buttocks. Only now, he is a serial killer, with tribal tattoos and a hairy buttocks. How hot is that!?
Kerry King is not the only one getting better as he ages. His band Slayer, has just released their 12th studio album, World Painted Blood, and it's every bit as evil and relentless as anything they've ever done. While the band has never really changed their style, or had an official misstep in the three decades they've been cracking skulls, subtle attempts at experimentation in the 90's, with albums like Divine Intervention, Diabolus In Musica - or even Undisputed Attitude, met with varying reactions from fans and critics alike. Still, in the end, those releases had their moments of brilliance and if World Painted Blood has succeeded in doing anything, it's been in combining the best elements of all Slayer albums and pouring them into one, truly memorable monster. From the opening, title track, through such instant classics as "Psychopathy Red," " Hate Worldwide" or the Reign In Blood - flavored, " Unit 731," my decaying head never stopped banging once. And the hair on the back of my decaying, banging head never stopped standing on end. The production is tight, gritty and more "in your face" than I remember Slayer being in a long time. If you love Slayer, trust me, you need to go out and pick this up.
Wee Wee Tally: In the 80's, everyone had long hair, which was a turn off to me: - 3 inches, Many of the male mortals looked like women: - 2 inches, The non poser male mortals were a rather, macho, alluring bunch: 3 1/2 inches, but they too, had long hair, and thus, were a turn off: - 1/2 inch, Kerry King still was acceptably blowable - even with long hair: + 1 inch, When he shaved his head and got tribal tattoos, he became fucking hot! + 3 inches, He looks like a serial killer too: + 2 inches, but alas, he's straight: - 2 inches, World Painted Blood is almost an entire return to early Slayer form: + 2 inches
Wee Wee Total: 9 inches of slightly older, serial killer wee wee with a tribal tattoo running along the length of it.