When Conducting From The Grave released When Legends Become Dust in the early part of 2009, many a reviewer claimed it to be one of the year's most ambitious Deathcore releases. Although the last year has brought about a number of stunning releases from groups like Impending Doom and The Red Chord, I still feel the distinction holds weight. Possibly it was the focus the group must have felt, signing with Sumerian Records and acquiring a new vocalist in one Lou Tanuis, that provided them with the impetus to create such a great album. Whatever the catylist, the CD has rarely left my graveyard player in the six months I've owned it.
While the entire five-piece plays capably and with precision throughout the CD's ten tracks, clearly the star(s) of the album are guitarists, John Abernathy and Jeff Morgan, who manage to dazzle with insane technical proficiency, but do so within surprisingly, inspired melodies. The album is replete with so many infectious hooks, cool, jazzy interludes, and heavy breakdowns, that one can't help but be pulled into listening to the whole thing. It really is quite an entertaining listen. Though the whimsical leanings of some of the guitar runs might give the songs too happy a flavor for some, in the end, Lou's deathly growls and rasps nail things into the appropriately dark territory to make it Death Metal.
Speaking of Lou, I'm glad the band recruited him, because none of the other four members are that attractive to me (though Jeff and John are probably hot with short hair). Lou is is definitely the most fuckable. What I like about him is he looks a little rough around the edges. He looks like he's been chewed on a little bit. From an undead point of view, the "chewed on" look is something to be appreciated. This is how I came to give him the name "Chewy." While I'm sure his endearing, heartfelt smile attracts many female mortals, I enjoy it when he doesn't say or do anything....except just stand there. He then looks dark, menacing and a little damaged. That's the side I like the best.
There is a bit of legend surrounding Lou and his penis. Though he is straight edge now and as exciting as a pencil eraser, apparently Lou was a bit of a wild child in his younger years. Legend has it, that he once filmed himself receiving fellatio from some, irrelevant, female mortal. While Lou wouldn't verify or deny that such alluring footage has ever existed, my research has confirmed it does. Lou does make reference to it in his personal liner notes that appear in the band's Cd booklet (Joe..."stop showing film of my dick"). However, I was able to to go one better, by tracking down an actual witness - in the form of vocalist Ken Sorceron, of black metal band Abigail Williams. According to Ken, Lou did film the event with his cell phone and showed it to him afterwards (after which, Lou apparently sent it out to numerous, other recipents). When I asked about the appearance of Lou's shaft, Ken would only say "Lou has a nice dick."
That statement, right there, is pretty compelling evidence that Lou has a large penis. Though I might have believed Lou was the proud owner of a monster dong, by the comparison he made in my interview with him ("If my dick were a Conducting From The Grave song, it would be over eight minutes long..."), the truth is, any male mortal can make that kind of stuff up. No, I think we can feel rest-assured that Lou has a big one by Ken's semi-cryptic statement. How so? What straight man would take the time to compliment another straight man's penis, even in passing, unless said penis was HIGHLY worth complimenting? In other words, what Ken has casually regarded as a "nice dick," would be enough to cause you and I to stomp our feet and light matches in approval. Unfortunately, I will never know for sure, because Lou is now boring and in a monogomous relationship and blah, blah, blah. But that doesn't mean there isn't hope. You can help, dear reader. If any of you have posession of Lou's fabulous, penis film, OR know someone who does, please email me the inside info at maristhegreat@yahoo.com. You will remain completely annonymous.
Wee Wee Tally: A year after release, When Legends Become Dust is still really good: + 5 inches, The band isn't that attractive: - 8 inches, I'd want to do John and Jeff, if they had short hair: + 2 1/2 inches, Actually, I'd do anybody in the band if they had short hair: + 1 inch, Actually, I'd do anybody if they were male and had short hair: + 1 inch, New vocalist Lou Tanuis is hotter than previous vocalist Drew Winter: + 1 1/2 inches, Lou once took made a cellphone film of himself getting fellatio: + 3 inches, But the fellatio giver was a girl and not me: - 2 1/2 inches, Lou showed/sent the film to many other mortals: + 1 inches, How much you want to bet said mortals deleted the film as soon as they got it, rather than treasuring it as much as I would have? - 4 inches, But there is one witness, who said Lou has a "nice dick," + 2 inches, The fact said witness is straight, makes his assertion very promising, + 1 1/2 inches, Lou won't confirm or deny any of this because he's a boring father now and in a monogamous relationship: - 1 inch, ...With a female mortal, no less: - 1 inch, There is a possibility that the film still does exist...somewhere and I will still get to see it: + 1 1/2 inches
Wee Wee Total: 8 1/2 inches of chewed on Deathcore wee wee that's been filmed on a cell phone and distributed to others.