FEATURE MURDER

Recently, I traveled out to Sacramento to murder Deathcore band, Conducting From The Grave. I feared if I waited until they dare pass through Denver again before ending their lives, they might be get too big to easily confront. The group is just coming off a highly touted release with "When Legends Become Dust" and were getting ready to head into the studio for it's highly anticipated follow up. Good things were being predicted for this talented, Death Metal five-piece.

Now, while large groups bleed like all the rest and are quite killable, they usually are separated from the masses by tour employees, industry-ass-kissers and security. In the same way you don't want to go to a Jack In The Box only to have to go through ten mortals to place an order for a burger, I don't want to go through pointless breathers, just to make a decent kill. So, I headed to the west coast (where it's unfortunately sunny - bad for decomposition) and began the hunt.

I quickly tracked down and beheaded vocalist Lou Tanuis. I ate his brain and left the shell of his skull in some residential area. Imagine my surprise when some female mortal happened by and fell in love with his soon-to-be-reanimated, severed head. Taking it back to her bedroom, she enjoyed a honeymoon she had waited her entire, mortal life to have. But undead severed heads are not play things, kids. By the time she realized Lou's head didn't share the same, tender feeling for her, it was too late. Once reanimation set in, she rose up and headed out into the sunny, California weather, where she became focused on serving me and my main mission: to kill the rest of Conducting From The Grave. Allow me to introduce you to my newest hit woman: Accursed ... Read More